I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
