his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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