If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
