Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
