take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
