It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize