I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
