did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
porn star boner night. come get it.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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