also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Randomize
