Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
