Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
