btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
