when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
