In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
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