This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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