Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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