Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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