I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
