sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
meet me or not, i'm out of control
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
