In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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