I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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