I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
