I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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