when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
