We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize