dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
