just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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