where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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