You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize