My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
