I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
