At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
