I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
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