how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
even my farts smell like vagina
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
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