Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize