Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
