When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
