im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Randomize
