remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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