this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
