My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Semen is not good for contacts.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
