In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
