hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
