I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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