I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
