At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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