the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Sext me about skeletons
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
