so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
