watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
