dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
