Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
