I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Randomize
