The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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