bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
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