Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
