If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I did not marry a roomba.
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