In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Randomize
