i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
That's how pantless uber rides happen
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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