im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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