i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
