When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
