I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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