Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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